And then I realized that life doesn’t have to be easy, but I can navigate it with ease
Little did I know that the last 5 years have been preparing me for this very moment. Riding the waves as they come, observing my shadow step in and having the ability to remain non-reactive, taking the time to create space to heal instead of escape or suppress. Relying on my practice to step in on its own, moment by moment. Having the power to discern the experience from the narrative of the mind and bringing myself inward every time the mind hogs the mic (which is pretty much all the time). I’m deeply grateful
As the COVID-19 crisis hit us, I stepped in as a strong over-functioning love soldier (get the image?). Spreading words of positivity- “all will be well”, dodging the funk like a champ, volunteering to coach healthcare professionals, being extra present for my clients,… oh and let me add an extra daily dose of live meditations for people.
One week in and I was surprised by panic attacks in the middle of the night opening the floodgates to all sorts of fears. All sorts. “I’m alone… I’m not safe… I have no one… what ifs..”. Working long hours then coaching long hours drained me real quick, then came the silence and the realization of having no one to be in this with. A victim voice suddenly skillfully tossed my “over-functioning love soldier” to the side and, of course, it was followed by guilt. Anyone else out there? Am I alone in this mad house?
Thankfully my practice showed up for me, BIG TIME! Starting my days with my meditation, setting the intention to observe the emotions as they show up, journaling to bring them out to the surface and identify what they are and where they are coming from, accepting them for what they are without attaching my identity to them, showing myself that I can feel all of this and still show up for my clients, family, loved ones,… doing everything that fills my soul- playing the ukulele, dancing, sweating my fears out, taking baths, reading, going for walks, meditating some more.
More than ever I see how precious is the space between each beat. That is, the space between each thought, emotion, and each experience is decisive for what happens next. Will I drown in it or will I harness it and use it for my own self-mastery?
For me, what undoubtedly helps me create the space between each beat are:
1) Consistent Morning Meditation sets the tone for the entire day
2) Intention setting to observe my thoughts/emotions/triggers/response
3) Acceptance rather than judgement
4) Choice. Is this something that needs to be processed, healed and released? Or is this my mind doing its mindless thing?
5) Recommit to the now moment. What’s the only truth now?
Well, in this very moment the only truth is a woman starring at the soon-to-be full moon while listening to mantras and writing a message that may very well go to the ether. Everything else are stories created by the mind, past experiences and future expectations.
As we enter this fourth week of social distancing, I stand here with the knowing that the “over-functioning love soldier” was an attempt to avoid the unease caused by this crisis. The “victim voice” was helplessly trying to be saved from it. Both stories covering up the very reality of what is- it’s hard, it’s uncomfortable, any sense of security is being challenged and my fears have been speaking more often. AND I can still find peace inward, hold space for myself and others, show up, and use this unique opportunity for self-mastery.
And so, as someone who’s riding these massive waves as you are, I say- nothing about this is easy, but we can find a way to navigate it with ease.
Happy Full Moon loved ones
With all my love,